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Parenting: How Children Learn Manners

来源:http://www.naturalchild.com/naomi_aldort/manners.h 作者: 时间:2008-11-14 Tag:thanks   gratitude   manner   parenting   child   点击:
What do they learn by being told#e#

What do they learn by being told

If telling a child to say "thank you" (and other manner words and actions) does not teach her/him to authentically feel and express gratitude - what does it teach?

A few possible things:

  • The child learns that telling others what to say or do is "good manners". The content of the "talk" is practically lost, as the child is mostly aware of the fact that someone is telling her what to do.
     
  • A less obvious message is the one: "I cannot trust myself to know what to say or do; I should rely on adults (authority) and obey instruction" (dependency, being a follower).
     
  • Linked to the previous one is "I cannot know on my own what to say or do, therefore I am not good enough" (low self-esteem and feeling inadequate and incapable).
     
  • A similar feeling of inadequacy can spring out of self-doubt: "Why don't I feel like saying 'thank you'? Something must be wrong with me".
     
  • A child learns to be phony and even simply to lie: "I don't really feel like saying anything, (sharing, helping...), I guess I am supposed to lie, pretend, or put on a show that does not reflect my real inner experience".
     
  • The child learns to hate sharing or saying "please" and "thank you", as his formative memory of doing so is that of resentment, being controlled, and being unreal. In doing something while not wanting to do it, he is learning to hate the expression of being grateful (sharing etc.) and the natural authentic development of his manners can be delayed.


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